So there's this psychoanalyst at this new place I live at now. Everyone has a psychoanalyst here. Here are a few questions he asks me every session. I don't think he has a right to find out what's in my brain. It's my brain and only I know what's going on inside. I hate when people think that they can take what's going on in your head, and act like they know everything about you just because they have a damn PHD. So here are the questions he asks me. Every. Goddam. Session.
Q: "Holden, are you going to apply yourself when you go back to school?"
A that I wish I could say (but really just think because this guy makes me nervous):
-That's such a dumb question. How do you know how you're going to do until you actually do it?
You don't.
Q: "Holden, do you have frequent thoughts of suicide?"
A that I wish I could say (but really just think because this guy makes me nervous):
-For the last time no! But I may, if you ask me this question one more goddam time!
Q: "How does Allie's death make you feel?"
A that I wish I could say (but really just think because this guy makes me nervous):
-Allie is still alive. I talk to him every day, you bastard. Just stop with the questions. It's making me nervous. It really is.
Q: "So why do you think you're here?"
A that I wish I could say (but really just think because this guy makes me nervous):
I'm a fucked up person. I REALLY AM. But being around all these psychos everyday doesn't make it any goddam better.
These questions make me so fed up. He probably thinks that asking me a question a bunch will make my answer change. It doesn't though. Take my word for it.
All I know is that I need to leave this place. It's so quiet here, and it only makes me think of all the people that I spent time with in my life. It makes me feel lonesome as hell, because I'm stuck here until Fall. I miss everyone. Even the jerks like Stradlater and Ackley. I'd rather be socked in the face by Stradlater again than be here right now.
Friday, May 11, 2012
My Keen Sister
I have a sister, Phoebe. I really would like you to meet her. She's smart as a whip, and anyone that's even a little intellectual can see that so easily. She's so young, but she catches on to so much. Even though she is so smart, she is silly sometimes too. That's what I like about her. She can be smart and silly. A lot of people either have one or the other.
She got mad at me the other day, for telling her I was leaving and couldn't bring her. She even had her suitcases and everything. Packed and ready to go. You really should have seen it. She acted like a brat for a while after, but she soon got over it.
Of course I'm not leaving.
I happened to hear this song on the radio, and it really reminds me of her. She's great to just chew the fat with, or even open up to. I don't know what I would have done without her if I hadn't visted her that night I got extremely drunk. Sometimes I feel like she's the only one who actually gives a damn about me.
Thank you Phoebe.
This one's for you:
She got mad at me the other day, for telling her I was leaving and couldn't bring her. She even had her suitcases and everything. Packed and ready to go. You really should have seen it. She acted like a brat for a while after, but she soon got over it.
Of course I'm not leaving.
I happened to hear this song on the radio, and it really reminds me of her. She's great to just chew the fat with, or even open up to. I don't know what I would have done without her if I hadn't visted her that night I got extremely drunk. Sometimes I feel like she's the only one who actually gives a damn about me.
Thank you Phoebe.
This one's for you:
How to Avoid Perverts
Ever since I woke up to Mr. Antolini's damn hand on my head, I've been depressed as hell. I still respect him like hell, because maybe that's just what he does. Pats peoples heads and all. But I just don't want to be around someone who made me so uncomfortable. When I'm around someone or something perverty I sweat like a bastard. I can't stay calm. I hate it. Anyone, I mean ANYONE that you least expect can be a helluva pervert. They really can. Take my word for it.
Perverts come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Perverts always seem to find their way to me.
Here's how to avoid them:
1. Don't go to a dingy hotel in New York City. This is pervert headquarters (Especially the Edmont).
2. If you do end up staying in a dingy hotel, close your blinds. You don't want a perverty man looking in your windows at night.
3. If someone looks like a pervert, they probably are a pervert. Stay away from them.
4. Be careful around anyone after they have been drinking. The alcohol could bring out the pervert in them.
Take the advice from someone who has experience with perverts. New York City is filled with them.
Here's a video on how to defend yourself.
Just kidding(about the video part). But it's a real crack up, right?
Perverts come in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Perverts always seem to find their way to me.
Here's how to avoid them:
1. Don't go to a dingy hotel in New York City. This is pervert headquarters (Especially the Edmont).
2. If you do end up staying in a dingy hotel, close your blinds. You don't want a perverty man looking in your windows at night.
3. If someone looks like a pervert, they probably are a pervert. Stay away from them.
4. Be careful around anyone after they have been drinking. The alcohol could bring out the pervert in them.
Take the advice from someone who has experience with perverts. New York City is filled with them.
Here's a video on how to defend yourself.
Catcher in the Rye
Ever since I heard that little boy walking alone and singing "If a body catch a body comin' through the rye", I've been having this crazy thought. I told Phoebe about it when I snuck home. I know it's crazy, but I picture an enormous field of rye, and only kids in it, thousands of them-except me. The children are playing a game where they run around in the rye, and I'm standing on the edge of the cliff, I have to catch them. I know it's crazy, but it's the only thing I would actually want to be. It really is. After I described it to Phoebe I even dreamed about it that night. It's funny how after you talk about things, you dream them too. I told Mr.Antolini about it, and he told me that I should look up my dream in the dream dictionary to figure out what my "subconscious mind" is really doing.
Rye:
"To see rye or fields of rye in your dream symbolizes prosperity in your future.
Cliff:
"To dream that you are standing at the edge of a cliff indicates that you have reached an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You have reached a critical point in your life and cannot risk losing control. Alternatively, it suggests that you are pondering a life-altering decision.
I summed up the three major parts of my dream (Mr. Antolini said I had to come up with important things from it, and look them up)
- Children
- Field of Rye
- Cliff
I searched these in the dream dictionary and came up with this
Children:
"To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture.
To save a child in your dream signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed."
Rye:
"To see rye or fields of rye in your dream symbolizes prosperity in your future.
To see dead or barren fields signifies lack, pessimism and your jaded prospects for the future."
Cliff:
"To dream that you are standing at the edge of a cliff indicates that you have reached an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You have reached a critical point in your life and cannot risk losing control. Alternatively, it suggests that you are pondering a life-altering decision.
To dream that you or someone falls off a cliff suggests that you are going through a difficult time and are afraid of what is ahead for you. You fear that you may not be up for the challenge or that you cannot meet the expectations of others."
All the definitions sound a little corny to me, so I won't remember them much.
rye:http://danielesparzav.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/back-to-reality/
dream dictionary: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/c2.htm
All the definitions sound a little corny to me, so I won't remember them much.
rye:http://danielesparzav.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/back-to-reality/
dream dictionary: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/c2.htm
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Western vs. Eastern
Ever since I talked to old Luce in the Wicker Bar, I can't help but wonder about him and his Chinese girlfriend. I just wanted to know how he liked her being Chinese, and the only only answer I could get from the jerk was that he finds "Easten philosophy more satisfactory than Western". What's so different about them? I've been curious, so I looked up the difference.
Western Philosophy
-we focus on the independence of the individual
-more scientific and logical thought
Eastern Philosophy
-eastern philosophy is based off constant obligation of the individual to serve others
-more faith-based thought
I don't quite understand how the Eastern one is more appealing. It seems like there is a lot less freedom there, compared to here, you know? Maybe he just said that because he knew that I wouldn't catch on, and stop asking questions because I didn't know what he was talking about anyways. Intelligent people always do that. They bring up things that you wouldn't know to talk about, so they can end the conversation. That's the thing about those intellectuals, they only have intelligent conversations when they want to.
Girl:
The Only Things I'll Eat
I really don't eat much to begin with nowadays. Come to think of it, I never really have eaten that much at mealtimes. That's probably why I'm so damn skinny.
Breakfast:
Lunch:
-NICELY COOKED steak (NOT PENCEY STEAK)
I don't really like to eat much else besides these because you never know what kind of reaction could happen if you try new foods. You could have some deathly allergic reaction. Like this one kid from Whooton who was allergic to peanuts and he didn't know. One second he was eating peanut butter, and the next second his throat was swelling up like a goddam balloon. He nearly died. So I'd rather stay safe. Anyways,I don't need to try anything new, I know I like these foods, so why bother finding new ones? It also makes my life a lot easier because the list doesn't change and all. I always know what foods I want to eat.
My mother's always been a lousy cook, but it's alright because there are only a few foods I like to eat anyways. Here goes:
Breakfast:
-Glass of orange juice
-Piece of toast with butter and strawberry jam
-Fried egg
-Bowl of cheerios
-A slice of cinnamon pastry
Lunch:
-Swiss cheese sandwich with a malted milk
-Bologna sandwich with a malted milk
-Chicken noodle soup
-Hot dogs
Dinner:
-Shepard's pie
-Pizza
-NICELY COOKED steak (NOT PENCEY STEAK)
-Mashed potatoes
-Grilled cheese (on white bread)
-French fries
-Lasagna
-Lemon Chicken
I don't really like to eat much else besides these because you never know what kind of reaction could happen if you try new foods. You could have some deathly allergic reaction. Like this one kid from Whooton who was allergic to peanuts and he didn't know. One second he was eating peanut butter, and the next second his throat was swelling up like a goddam balloon. He nearly died. So I'd rather stay safe. Anyways,I don't need to try anything new, I know I like these foods, so why bother finding new ones? It also makes my life a lot easier because the list doesn't change and all. I always know what foods I want to eat.
Allie
Sometimes I get to listening to the rain. I open up my windows and just listen. Listening to the drops hit the ground, maybe land on a grasshopper or something. It's peaceful as hell. It really is. But then when I'm in this relaxed state, I get to thinking about all the crap in the back of my mind. The thinking makes me feel all depressed. I don't suggest sitting in bed and listening to the rain. It will make you awful lonesome. When I feel like this, having conversations with Allie helps me feel better. Either that, or I pull out his old baseball mitt with all the poems written on it. I've read them so many times, I've memorized most of them.
Here's my favorite one.
Clouds:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuEnx4MRNjxZrLit38loiv_bEfrFcgbDhv-5KvPcI1Z0ympMw-EjxgmEz0v-mOhs5F8I0VIqXlFbkREs0VUtiaupsWdOEy2Juqa4H_UIieHnPUv8ERyi5vfTEbagJHVs-dT79DLnLhZVA/s1600/clouds.jpg
Poem:
http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/william_wordsworth/poems/10951
Here's my favorite one.
I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud by William Wordsworth
What I really like about it is that it's written in the tiniest handwriting, because it's so long and all. Allie wrote with a tiny-tipped marker for hours to get all the verses from it on the glove. That's how much he loved it. I wish you could have seen it. It really was something. It's my favorite poem too, because reading all that stuff about the clouds makes me feel like he's happy in heaven right now. I hope he's happy up there.I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
 |
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuEnx4MRNjxZrLit38loiv_bEfrFcgbDhv-5KvPcI1Z0ympMw-EjxgmEz0v-mOhs5F8I0VIqXlFbkREs0VUtiaupsWdOEy2Juqa4H_UIieHnPUv8ERyi5vfTEbagJHVs-dT79DLnLhZVA/s1600/clouds.jpg
Poem:
http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/william_wordsworth/poems/10951
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